Going Public with Our Sexual Activity

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 14:11
Submitted by Betty Dodson

I'd like to get rid of all the "anon" sign-offs and cyber avatars. What is everyone afraid of? Why can't we all celebrate who we are sexually? What are the concerns people have about claiming their sexlives under their own name? As long as we continue to hide who we are sexually, we will continue to be manipulated by our repressed conservative society that really hates, or I should say "fears" sex.

The moralists proudly shout their opinions from the roof tops while far too many in the sexual community sneak around under aliases. When anyone goes into the sex business, they change their name. They write a book about sex and they adopt a nom-de-plume or a pen name to remain incognito.

Even sex therapists (except Kinsey) make it a point to never mention anything "personal" about their own sex lives. It's considered "non-professional." So you can imagine how many of them approve of me and my big mouth telling all the details about my last orgasm. Wait until they read my sexual memoir! I can hear it now; A disgusting expose' by a blabber mouth who calls herself a sexologist. I'll be accused of bragging, boasting, lying or showing off." My bottom line is- who cares?" I stopped worrying about my reputation in 1973 when I came out publicly as a masturbating "heterosexual-bisexual-lesbian." Later on when I had to add leather dyke, I just became a "sexual" and heaved a big sigh of relief.

It's time for heterosexuals to come out of the closet! Even many gays, bisexuals and transgendered folks don't reveal much about their personal sexlives. A gender label doesn't tell us anything about a persons sexual activity, if there is any. Maybe that's the point; so few are having sex, even with themselves. Well if that's true, then it would help if that information was revealed. Perhaps people would realize how the Pharmaceutical companies and Monsanto have turned us all into tranquilized, obese, undernourished zombies. Maybe that's a good definition for all those crazy Tea Baggers. If they only knew the expression "tea bagging" means dropping a man's testicles on your face. I quite like the sensation myself.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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how do you think we do that

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 15:21

How do you think we go about doing what you say?

You are absolutely correct

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 16:43
Palesa (not verified)

You are absolutely correct Dr. Dodson. So here I am; Palesa formerly Zara a fellow teabag enthusiast who's very happy to be out of the kinky heteros closet, but equally happy that my Grandma doesn't have internet access. One step at a time hey.  ;)

Therapists do not reveal

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 19:04
lsjbaby (not verified)

Therapists do not reveal particulars about their sex lives because that is not what their patient wants to know. we see people who want to spend time understanding their own sexuality. Bringing my goodies to the table does nothing to help them. When it's appropriate things are shared. But it is the client who leads the way,

A "sexologist' can talk about anything, personal or otherwise. Its not the same relationship. And that's great.
You do coaching and educating. I do therapy. Sexologists are really historians about sex in the world and in their own experience.
Please don't rant about my profession.
I am hetero and also a professional. And its no one's business but my own.


Hmmm revelations

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 19:27
Seriousblack (not verified)

Oh it would be so great to reveal who we really were except for the fact that those who have, such as "public figures" such as teachers and police officers have been fired from their jobs for things they have done in their private lives. Employers now check Facebook to see what their current and future employees say and how they conduct themselves. People who have lawsuits due to injury also have their weblives examined in the court of law to see if they are really suffering. Your thoughts, pictures and words posted on the web can now have a serious impact on your job, your private life when examined by others

What one posts is no longer private and may cost you more than you may be willing to pay. So much for freedom of expression.

Interesting Topic

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 19:55
girlfriday (not verified)

Betty, YOU can't lose your job by being open and free because this IS your job. And a wonderful job you do too!!

Were it not for your books and this site, I would still be on a seven year dry spell. Because of your work, I have grown to love my body and all that it is capable of. I talk openly with my girlfriends about sex now, and have sent people (including my counselor) to your books. So, I have come a loooong way, baby. I am back to having partner sex and I bring my magic wand into bed (gasp).

Since I became sexually active, I had a wonderful variety of male partners, and while I enjoyed most of them, I never had an orgasm during intercourse. For 26 years, I couldn't imagine what all of the fuss was about. Now, I am an orgasmic fool!!

I'll admit, I am not ready to throw off the shackles, but please, allow me my baby steps!

Why I am here anonymously

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 20:30

I had an email conversation with Carlin about this, as I go back and forth with living online with my real name and being under the radar. I am deeply conflicted about living under an false name, an avatar as you say, here and in other places online.

I do realize that I am buying into the shame and manipulation when I fear coming out (as sexual!) and use my real name. You asked what we're afraid of. Obviously I can't speak for anyone else, but I'll tell you what keeps me anonymous . . . for now.

The way I see it, closets protect privilege. The privilege might be safety from violence, or job/social status, or harmony with family members. But it still protects privilege. The privilege I'm trying to protect is my ability to be honorable with my debt.

When I finished school, I walked away with well over $100,000 in student loan debt. I am hotly aware that my name is googled, that my online profiles are actively researched, that I am scrutinized. Do I like this? Hell no. Do I feel duplicitous and like a fraud, by posting anonymously, closeted? Yes. Am I uncomfortable that my life feels disjointed? Absolutely.

Upon graduation, I was repeatedly advised to sanitize my resume. What were these things I was advised to remove? Being President of the Gay & Lesbian Law Association. Publishing an article on polyamory. That's it. I refused to remove either thing. My reasoning: I don't want to work somewhere who doesn't want ME, as I am, gay and interested in polyamory. But there have indeed been repercussions from that choice. Those items stay on my resume; I have nothing to be ashamed of about either listing. But I am aware of the scrutiny under which I live.

Given where I grew up, the stigma of queerness and the resulting violence and repression showed me
how much closets create and re-create self-hatred, shame, and unhealthy

I long for integration, and am actively taking steps to seek employment in fields where potential employers will not balk if my name turns up information I share about my sex life or opinions about sex. And yes, I realize I am perpetuating the problem by remaining anonymous.

I remain hopeful that I will feel free to come out, sooner than later. But for now, I must remain darkGreeny.

Owning it

Sun, 03/21/2010 - 21:24
VirginMonoblogger (not verified)

I completely understand what you're saying, darkGreeny. When I first
joined the site, I used my real name (Chantal) in my introduction. When
my blog entries started being published, I thought about editing my name out, because I didn't want people to know who I was.

I had a relative find my blog and I was going to delete it, because I was scared SHITLESS (kept me awake at night and everything) that she would tell my mom or that she would find out things about me that I didn't want her to know. I relayed that to Carlin and she simply told me "Betty always says that you have to own your sex life," and I totally agree. I don't (currently) have much at stake when it comes to jobs/school. Or maybe I do, and I just don't care... Which isn't much better, but it's real.

It's just me. When it came to sex and anatomy, I always had a supercharged interest in it. No one could really relate to me. I like that I've reached the point that I can freely talk and write about what I want and how I feel on both topics. Yeah, I still fear judgement. I still sometimes feel misunderstood, but I've just let it go.

I like the outwardly sexual me too much to revert back to who I was before.

We are Whispering in Each Others Ears

ChrisOnline's picture
Sun, 03/21/2010 - 22:39

We are whispering in each others ears, not shouting out our windows, but overtime, with lots of visitors to your site, our collective whispers can be more effective then a very public march through Times Square.

I agree with many of the comments above. My own twist is that I like to use this site as a place to react and reform/revise my opnions on topics of sex.

D&R can be a sand box for me. Build up a thought, then tear it down and make it better, with no real repercussions.

I'm not worried that people I know well would find my participation here objectionable. I just don't want strangers to think they know me before I present myself too them in real life.

But I tend to agree that professionals have a different standard, and you should challenge them on why they don't come clean with their identity. Unless something about their true identity would negativity impact their effectiveness.

And really, not many people will be as totally open with personal details as you are, Betty. So I wonder if you would get less honest posts here without some anonymity.

I've already failed a minor sex positive honesty test myself. My 12 year old daughter noticed my vibe on the night stand, and asked me about it. I told her it was for massage :(

I'll fix that soon, but I needed to confess!


Mon, 03/22/2010 - 11:57
Kendall (not verified)

Like others have noted here, being able to be totally open with your sexual self is somewhat of a privilege. Those of us trying to find jobs that pay worth a damn (ahem) always have the dreaded HR background/Google check in the backs of our minds. The professional and financial repercussions of people being totally open with their sexual selves are real and can be drastic. It's hard not to feel like you have to choose between sexual openness and the sexuality community and, well, surviving - and that the only way to do both is edge out a career IN the field of sexuality (and there's just tons of those floating around, right?).

It is unfortunate that, yet again, the threat of poverty can prevent people from becoming fully realized human beings.

My career

Mon, 03/22/2010 - 18:14
Betty M (not verified)

I'm ok with posting the comment here that I am bi (75% lesbian) with part of my name (Betty M) but am not about to announce these details to the office staff. I treasure my career, which Betty D (I envy her independence) does not have to worry about.

Going Public

Betty Dodson's picture
Mon, 03/22/2010 - 19:54

I appreciate everyone's comments. It helped me understand why more people don't speak openly about their sexual activity. It would limit career possibilities, end political aspirations, a career in the military, working for the government or big corporation. Protecting a child from saying the wrong thing at school, not being ostracized from the country club, or getting a bad reputation in the neighborhood.

Like Carlin said, "That's okay for a while, but we gotta have an end game." No one wants to live under repressive controls for too long. The creative world and being your own boss allows people a lot of freedom in the sexual department. We all want to feel free to be who we are. Let's create a mass movement of sexual honesty, join hands and together we will march for Sexual Freedom!

I appreciate you, Dr. Dodson

Tue, 03/23/2010 - 12:28
Palesa (not verified)

This is a very personal list of reasons on why I decided to join arms with Betty. I have no investment in trying to convince others to expose themselves on this or any other site. This decision must be made freely.

1) Being myself aka no avatar or fake username puts more pressure on me to be more responsible for the comments I leave on the site. I wouldn't say I was callous before, but I would say there was a certain thrill to being anonymous in a public arena. A sort of being invisible at a party kind of thrill.

2) I had been pondering for some time, how by hiding behind an avatar and fake name, I support and encourage the very people that would see my participation on this site as a negative aspect of my character.

3) My personality does not lend itself to being able to sustain a relationship with people mentioned in reason #2.

4) I don't feel anything I have said on the site or the site itself for that matter should raise any red flags. We, the D&R community are no different than any other community. I have seen myself in many of your posts and comments. I have had my mind expanded and comforted by many of the passages I have been privileged to read on this site.

5) I have had the experience of being completely unacceptable and prejudged by many people in my life. I came out of that understanding that if I have nothing to hide I have nothing to fear. And when I know myself there is nothing anyone can say that would change who I am. I do my best. I fail. I say stupid things. I am not perfect and I accept myself this way. My only desire for my relationships is to be surrounded by good people who want to live in the reality of humanity even when it is inconvenient.

6)I appreciate you, Dr. Dodson.

I wish you all well on your journey.


Don't be afraid of yourself, live your individuality to the full --- but
for the good of others. Don't copy others in order to buy fellowship,
or make convention your law. ~ Dag Hammarskjold (Markings, 1963)

Palesa...So Well Put!

ChrisOnline's picture
Tue, 03/23/2010 - 14:01

You convinced me, excellent points, to use my picture (big exhale.. :)

So really, anyone recognizing my picture is deep into D&R content already, and probably enjoying it, so why was I being so silly? I already had posted a Betty Dodson quote on my FB account right under my profile pict, in that permanent area. That was at least a month ago, so they know where I stand already.

I did, however, go back just now and edit 2 not so nice comments I made about a relative of mine.  I should have been ashamed of that anyways. I could have made my point with out being cruel.

Without our last names, I'm not real exposed to people I don't know. So am I really standing up and being counted? I would say yes, because if you don't know me by my picture, the only thing you need to know of me is what I choose to contribute.

Recently, I took a step

Tue, 03/23/2010 - 22:23

Recently, I took a step closer do what you said go public
with my sexual life online. Although I
did not use my real name I used one of my aol screen names to introduce my self
on Blackvocies VIA AOL. My experience
was not good. I was attacked for being a
single black man at 38 with sexual outlets other than masturbation. I was hoping that if I went on Black Voices
some women might give me some helpful insights on why I can’t attract a
woman. Both black men and black women
called me gay and a faggot due to the fact that I get pussy. Over the years, rejection has made me
conclude that I must the ugliest man on earth. I was targeted and my membership was suspended.

On the other note, I used another screen name and I had
better experience. I was able to share
another part of my sexual self. I have a
pantyhose fetish with two black women and they were not put off about it. They did not judge me and was somewhat
receptive to it.

I love the fact that you Betty and you Carlin have build a
movement to have women come into their own sexual power. I understand that sexism robs women of their
sexual power. As Booker T Washington once
said no man can keep another man in a ditch without stay down with them. In the context of sexual expression, the
sexist views that us men have rob us of our sexual power while we strip women
of theirs.

It is sad that African-Americans don’t have a place like
this for proper education about sex and relationships.

As a black man who faces racism while I hold some sexist
views I struggle emotionally to love myself and to love women. All men in general and black men in particular
we don’t have venue or outlet to become complete sexual and emotional people; in
order for us men to be well suit partners for the women who you do good work

Tupuc said “we get our game from our women”. I can direct to this to all women but my
experience with black women suggest don’t get that fact men can’t help other
men with their women issues. A lot of
people who hear my issues state that I have learn to be confident; however how
does a person who has failed for so long feel like the next can be the day that
they meet someone.

We know that some people say people come in to other people
lives, for a reason, season, and lifetime. But in my case I have no faith
that it will ever happen to me.

The fact that I lost my virginity at 24 I felt like a loser
as a man. This is because I have
accepted the dominate male view that a man must have sex early in life and a
lot to prove his worth. At 38 my self esteem
is shot and I don’t know how to attract a woman. I feel like less than a man.

I look forward to hear what others might have to say.


Wed, 03/24/2010 - 02:16
A non-mouse (not verified)

I just posted a comment about a different question with the "A non-mouse" name, this question made me stop in my tracks and think about it. "A non-mouse" when I am being ... a mouse.

How weird.

I don't really know why I want to be "unknown". I certainly wasn't taught that, and don't live that way among friends. Off the cuff. Because, it feels safe. I'm not that tough really. Not yet. :-)

To ChrisOnline

Wed, 03/24/2010 - 09:24
Palesa (not verified)

Hello ChrisOnline,

While I had/have no intention to "convince" I am very happy to witness your exhale upon showing more of your authentic self. But the most beautiful part of your comment (along with your lovely face) was this:

"I did, however, go back just now and edit 2 not so nice comments I made
about a relative of mine.  I should have been ashamed of that anyways. I
could have made my point with out being cruel."

By owning our comments we are forced to be more responsible and humane. I love that.

And I agree with you anyone looking to root up all our comments has a desire to be on D&R.

And if all else fails we can always use the old "Why were YOU on D&R looking at anal sex erotica? Hmmm..." retort. Just Kidding! OK Maybe a little serious.;)

Thanks for sharing your beautiful face and words with us.


Don't be afraid of yourself, live your individuality to the full ---
for the good of others. Don't copy others in order to buy fellowship,
or make convention your law. ~ Dag Hammarskjold (Markings, 1963)

To ChrisOnline

Wed, 03/24/2010 - 23:21
girlfriday (not verified)

Re your vibe:
At least you didn't lie. It IS a massager. You didn't tell her WHAT you were massaging!!

I was busted this week as well. My daughter is 9, and found the Hitachi behind the couch cushions (damn busy days....). Anyway, I too, told her that it was a massager. She LOVES massages, always has, and insisted that I use it on her back (picture my husband howling with laugher in the next room) as the Wand whirs away.....we did this for quite awhile.

I am proud of myself for resisting the urge to grab it, turn beet red and high tail it to another room.

She has asked to use it every day since (on her back, so far). I have run with it. It seems to me that this will be a perfect segue into a future conversations regarding masturbation.

So thank you, D&R, for bringing me to a place where I can think, and act pro-actively, instead of re-actively.


Tue, 09/21/2010 - 15:48

Compliment of the day to you,with hope that you are physically and emotionally alright, l do believe that this mail will reach in good condition. My name is latisha i saw your profile here in this dating site  and admire it, i think we can have a lovely trusted relationship, please i would like you to contact me directly through my email address:(alisha.idris@yahoo.com) i will tell you more about myself and i will send my photo to you, as soon as you contact me back, but then remember color, distance or age difference does not matter much in LOVE affair, i think we can make it together,hoping for your lovely reply soonest


Tue, 09/21/2010 - 18:04

Compliment of the day to you,with hope that you are physically and emotionally alright, l do believe that this mail will reach in good condition. My name is latisha i saw your profile here in this dating site  and admire it, i think we can have a lovely trusted relationship, please i would like you to contact me directly through my email address:(alisha.idris@yahoo.com) i will tell you more about myself and i will send my photo to you, as soon as you contact me back, but then remember color, distance or age difference does not matter much in LOVE affair, i think we can make it together,hoping for your lovely reply soonest

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