Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty,

I'm a 20-year old Pre-Ministry student at a private liberal arts college, and I've been a fan of yours for a long time. I started masturbating at the age of eight, but have never had an orgasm. Five months ago, I started going out with my first boyfriend, Jake, 24. He's absolutely wonderful to me. Though we haven't had penis-in-vagina intercourse, we're sexually active. For us, that means manual stimulation, and sometimes (when I can get over my self-consciousness), it means him giving me oral sex. Sometimes, it involves masturbating in front of the other. We've tried penetrative activity (his finger into my vagina) twice, but it was difficult for me for reasons that I will explain later, and I think we're going to hold off on trying that again for a while. He has skilled hands, and an even more skilled tongue. He's also willing to spend hours attending to my body. We can openly talk about what we like, what we might want to try, and just about anything else that comes up. As a future pastor, I do not believe that I am doing anything "wrong" or "sinful" with my boyfriend - I believe that God created our bodies with the hope that they might bring us pleasure. I was raised by athiests, so I didn't have any sort of sexually-restraining religious ideas forced upon me from my parents.

Whether we're together or I'm alone, my genitals are stimulated in ways that feel good, then better, then great, then... nothing at all. I'm not sure what happens! Usually, I just appreciate the good feeling for what it is, put no pressure on myself to orgasm, enjoy the sensations while they last, and move on when they're over. Sometimes, however, I am left with a frustrating need for release, making it hard to focus on other things (like classwork) afterwards. I always understood orgasm as a "release" of sorts, but am not sure why I cannot experience it.

I was sexually abused as a child and teenager by my father, and the first time I received oral sex (and a few other times that we've engaged in sexual activity), this has triggered memories of the abuse, which can be hard to deal with. I'm in therapy and I thought I'd made a lot of progress... but still... no orgasms. Usually, I don't feel that orgasm is imperative to my own enjoyment of sex with my boyfriend, but sometimes, I'm left with a longing for release, and simply cannot attain it. I was wondering if there was hope? I always thought that all women were capable of orgasming, but statistics seem to indicate that many will never experience it.

Thank you,
A

Dear A,

It's nice to know that our future ministers are embracing sexual pleasures. My first question to you is what do you think an orgasm is like? Many women can come and still be turned on which means they need to keep going. What do you think a "release" would feel like? I'm suggesting you are having small comes and have been unable to identify them. Otherwise why would you continue masturbating all those years if it didn't end in some kind of satisfaction.

What I do know is that sexual abuse can be healed and every woman is capable of enjoying orgasms unless her clitoris has been removed.. Again check out your expectations of a "release" and make sure you are not using male response to gauge you own. I believe as long as you are not on any anti-depressants you are or will be orgasmic. Stay on my website and take advantage of the information that's there. Watch our new video clips that can be downloaded for manual skills on how to have a happy clitoris.

Dr. Betty