Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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I'm 44 a scorpio who loves sex. But I am very tense when I start having sex with a new man. I wanted to start a casual relationship with a 51 year old man. We have a common friend, and had been chatting and flirting for a while. Finally I agreed to have dinner at his house, knowing very well what it would lead to. The first kiss is always my first impression if this might go in a good direction or not. And he kisses fine. I must say, I hadn't had sex since March 97. Some very bad sex for a one night stand made me decide I'd rather not have sex than bad sex again. Yes it was that bad! I had a car accident soon after with whiplash and a brain concussion a neck hernia about a year later and then 6 months later a DVT. My body was not interested in sex anymore at that time and I put on lots of weight from pure misery. I am finally starting to feel good about myself again and feeling sexual too. Even though I still need to loose weight (I am very curvy and a UK size 14, so not that horrible).

So this man seemed to like my curves, that is what he said. And the reason I finally gave in to his seductions. After the kissing and fondling we went to his bedroom and started having sex. Note I am very tense as always the first few times and I told him I really don't come the first time so not to worry. He put on a condom and entered me, and it seemed that after that he had difficulty staying hard. He blamed it on the condom then. In the end I had to give him a handjob. We saw each other again last Saturday. Same thing: kissing fondling .... I was still very tense probably too tense. He went down on me, but it did nothing nothing at all. I am sure he was doing it all wrong but I did not dare tell him. So I went down on him he got very hard. Then condom again penetration me first on top then him on top and soon after that he wend flacid again.

He then stopped and said this is not going to work. There is no sexual spark between us. He never has this problem of not being able to stay hard. And he believed he was not really my type of man neither (he is barely taller than me, and has a quite lean body where I am as said voluptuous), that I must rather like tall and big man. I told him that is not true. Anyway I was very disappointed, because I really was hoping to make this casual relationship work, even it would take some time to get us going right. So now I am wondering: if I would not be able to excite him, wouldn't there have been no sexual attraction before neither?

Can it be that because i am so tense that he gets tense too Perhaps it is me who should loosen up first? I understand at 51 the penis does not work as well as at 21. Well, my body at 44 needs more work too. Are we both expecting too much too soon? He also said he saw it as too technical. Do we need to play more before actually coming to the sex part? Is it worth trying again, or shouldI just give up on the idea and concentrate on a more willing man? I do feel comfortable with him in the way that I want to take time to make this work. That it doesn't feel akward in a bad way. I masturbate very often, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I must say that now I need lubrication to make it work better. If I masturbate without lubrication it is a lot harder to reach orgasm.

C

Dear Scorpio,

Most would agree that we'd rather not have sex than have bad sex with a partner. Especially when a person knows how to enjoy masturbation. I would suggest you stop trying to second guess this man. If he says he's not interested in going for another sexual round with you, then move along. When sex between two people doesn't work out, just remember it takes two to Tango. It's not all your fault nor his.

At 44 after all the problems your body has endured, I recommend you get our Mystic Wand, a battery vibrator that would give you the extra stimulation your body deserves. Then find a man who is open minded about sex who would play with you in bed. From what you've said, I feel you are trying to prove your still hot and he's trying to prove he's still a stud! Forget it! That's where your tension comes in and that's when he loses his erection. He at least ended up with a hand job and a blow job. You got nothing.

With your next partner, just enjoy yourselves and stop comparing now with what was! It will never be the same. You can count on sex always being different AND sill be fun and pleasurable right to the end. Get that vibrator and cut loose.

Dr. Betty