Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty,

I've been a fan of yours for a long time, thanks for your work. I have a sex problem that seems very uncommon to me and I don't know what to do. I've written other places for advice, even getting a response from Susie Bright on Jezebel.com, but her advice wasn't helpful and I felt hurt since she basically made fun of my partner and me.

I've been with my guy for almost one year. My boyfriend doesn't like to have intercourse. I'm not really sure why, when I ask him he says he's never really enjoyed it. He's only had one other serious relationship, other than ours and I think she's his only other sex partner. Most of the time we use our hands, and that's what they did (or so I gather). Rarely, she would jump on top and have intercourse that way. He's never initiated intercourse, and never done it in any other position. When we first started being intimate, he was also turned off by oral sex, though it turned out that was just from a bad experience. I asked if he'd be willing to try to overcome it and so we went very slowly and carefully over a few weeks and now that's all good. He really
likes it now.

I would like to have intercourse with him, but I also don't want to force myself on him. Also, we've tried before (he was trying to give it a shot for my sake), and he can't maintain an erection so it doesn't really work. He has no other problems with that, in fact he's the most virile lover I've ever had, when we're doing things he likes. After a several awkward failed attempts, we basically gave up. He felt very bad about the whole process and it just wasn't worth making him feel bad.

I told him that the sex we're having is very good, and eventually, either it will happen or it won't. So we haven't even tried for months now. On one hand, I'd be OK with never having intercourse. On the other hand, it would be nice to have it as an option in the mix and I think, like with oral sex, he'd probably like it once we got the hang of it. And he's expressed a desire to make it happen because he wants to please
me.

Any thoughts? Why would he not be into intercourse? Is it just one of those random things? Is there anything I can do to make the process easier? When we were trying it, I basically waited until he was really in the mood, did the sort of foreplay I know he really likes and then sort of hoped for the best. That hasn't worked. I don't know if it is the performance anxiety or the actual repugnance of the act that is driving away his erections. I've had a lot of experience and generally know what I'm doing but I am a bit out of practice (I just got out of a mostly sexless marriage) and at a loss here. He's the only uncut guy I've ever had sex with, and so that isn't helping either. Do you put the whole thing in the vagina, including the foreskin? Roll back the foreskin and then put it in? I probably sound like a moron. Please help! Also, here's the Susie Bright column if that's any help. And no, he's not gay.

Dear H,

My first response in a situation like yours is "What you see is what you got." Accept him just the way he is and enjoy what is available. All the questions as to why he is like this, or what caused him to fear intercourse, or will he get over it can never be answered by anyone but him. He should be asking this question, not you.

I even read Susie's answer and felt she made a good point about your feeling wistful. You can change yourself but rarely another person. If you want to hang in with this sexually damaged boy and continue to be his sex therapist, then do so. However, after suffering through a sexless marriage, I'd think you would be ready to have an affair with Mr. Super Stud. If I were you, I'd move along and get exactly what you want in a man. You've already paid your dues and it's your turn to enjoy sex on your terms.

Dr. Betty