Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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From one (sensitive and reflective) male to another: thank you for your perceptive and thoroughly honest remarks. I say this not least because they closely mirror my feelings about, and experiences in, my relationship. As a consequence of course, I strongly agree and identify with your sentiments.

I have a very good -- but strictly 'one-on-one' -- sexual relationship with my partner (of over six years now). We have the best sex (lovemaking, actually) either of us has ever experienced. -- It could be better however, and that's where my experience and desires and yours as expressed in your post overlap.

At a mundane level I wish my partner would (as I've tried gently to persuade her) shower more than once every two days, and, particularly, that she would acknowledge to herself the merits and erotic and sensual pay-off(s) of washing her pussy and arse properly. (She smells and tastes SO MUCH better.....) It would (and does) maximise both the sexual potential of her physical attractiveness and the range of erotic pleasures we (can healthily) share. But what she rationalises as saving on water heating bills by showering infrequently and washing lazily is more important to her than fully expressing, sharing, and experiencing her (very rich and utterly beautiful) sexuality.

And that sad observation brings me to my point of agreement with your post, and to my own view about why my partner -- who loves (and has lots of orgasms whilst) fantasising with me about her having sex with other people -- won't put these fantasies into practice, and why she stridently rebuffs my (quite genuine) proposals that, inter alia, we share our sexual relationship with another man / woman / couple. -- I have, by the way, absolutely no desire for this to undermine our relationship: I want to watch her making love with another man (or even more than one man, or with a woman / a couple) because, sexually she is so beautifully and fulfillingly rich as a woman, so richly endowed with erotic and spiritual femaleness. I also want to join in with this lovemaking, too -- but as part of worshiping and adoring my partner WITHIN our sexual relationship and NOT as a way of abandoning (my love for) her or otherwise breaking / leaving our relationship for someone -- anyone -- else. -- But it's not working out that way....

You see my partner doesn't like herself. Deep down she doesn't like her body (which is why she so sadly neglects it, why she neglects her femininity and her sexuality in the way she dresses and grooms, and why she regularly battles with going to flab). Worse still, and deepest down of all, she doesn't like the person she sees herself to be. -- And these fundamental factors, I believe, mean she will not put herself in a position where our fantasies about her sharing herself sexually with others comes to reality.

Permit me to be as deeply reflective -- and as personally honest -- as I can about this however, for I am well aware that I'm looking for something in my partner that she is not prepared to give, and what this is is crucial to my current (very disillusioned) attitude to, and position in, our relationship. For I very deeply adore experiencing femaleness through loving, erotic and deeply intimate, sex; I'm truly lucky in being a man who not only is sexually attracted to women, but also I'm one who deeply LIKES them too. Thus, I find unparalleled satisfaction in the selflessness and self-transcendence of, for example, slowly and lovingly performing cunnilingus until I bring a woman to orgasm, or -- even more so -- in exploring and massaging her pussy and vagina with my tongue and then with my fingers. This (deeply intimate) experience of her femaleness is -- and I say this quite genuinely -- the most (positive) HUMAN experience I have ever had. Indeed, I doubt it can be exceeded, for me at least; it's the richest state of Being (as 'being with, and through loving sex with', a woman / person) I have ever experienced. In this state (of lovemaking) I go 'out of myself', and 'into my partner' ever so much more than just by the physical medium of putting my tongue, or my fingers, or a dildo, or my penis, into her vagina. And her SHARING herself as we do these things is what is both so striking and so relevant here, because not only is it utterly beautiful (and AFFIRMING) but -- and here's the relevant point -- I see no reason why it need exclude others: another man's penis in her vagina with mine; or another man's penis in her arse whilst mine is in her vagina; or my sharing her in these ways with a woman wearing a strap-on dildo.

True, there's nothing -- per se -- wrong with wanting to have, and having, a deeply fine and loving sexual relationship that the lovers choose freely always to keep as a twosome between themselves. But, equally, I believe there's nothing INHERENTLY unloving, destructive, dishonest, or relationship-wrecking about sharing a loving twosome with others -- as a threesome or a 'moresome'.

I believe it all comes down to knowing oneself and one's partner and to the level confidence and esteem within one's relationship -- but not just one's TWOSOME relationship. Most fundamentally it comes down to one's relationship with oneself. My partner doesn't like herself deep down and our relationship works (so far as it does) because I cater to and for the ways she avoids dealing with and confronting this. I try (and -- yes -- probably not as often enough as I might) to give her positive messages, and in particular the richness of our lovemaking serves to COVER OVER (but remains fundamentally limited by) her deep self-loathing; it produces a tide that washes over these ugly rocks in her soul -- but it can't sweep them away. Only she can do that. And our relationship is built around stepping around and covering over these dreadful rocks -- something the introduction of a third, or fourth truly intimate partner would very likely challenge.

So we -- she and I as a couple -- make, and seem doomed ever only to make, no progress beyond merely sharing a fantasy of sharing ourselves TOGETHER, as a loving, committed, COUPLE with anyone else.

That makes me very sad.